| -------------------------------------------------------- From The New York Times Magazine The 36 Year-Old Version (August 12, 2007) To my naïve 37-year-old eyes, my parents’ condominium was just a place to sleep while my wife and I, separated after 10 years of marriage, “figured things out.” -------------------------------------------------------- From The New York Daily News An Open Letter to Rob Zombie (September 6, 2007) ...But you can help make the real world a less brutal place than the world you depict on film... -------------------------------------------------------- From New Jersey Monthly The Mother of All Holidays (May, 2006) When my brother Paul and I were in middle school, we ordered a “personally engraved tribute plaque” for our mom a few weeks before Mother’s Day... -------------------------------------------------------- From The Star-Ledger A 'Boo' for Halloween Brutality (October 31, 2006) A walk down the Halloween aisle at CVS or Walgreens proves the point: Gore again wins the popular vote... Thanks and Misgivings (November 23, 2006) 2nd Place Winner, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest I'm looking at a photo of my self topless... Holiday on Nice (December 20, 2006) Somewhere in Africa, there's a goat with an unsuspecting Kenyan family's name on it. Memorial Daze (May 25, 2007) Like many communities, Maplewood has scheduled two big events for Memorial Day. First Day Jitters for the Kid in Dad (September 4, 1007) Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest The night before the first day of school was always the longest night of my life Valentine's Day Disconnect (February 14, 2008) Valentine's Day is probably the one holiday least connected to its historical and cultural roots. -------------------------------------------------------- From Babble, the parenting spin-off of Nerve.com Father's Day (August 16, 2007) "Daddy, lock your doo-wer." one of my daughters says as we pull out of my ex-wife's driveway... -------------------------------------------------------- From CommonTies Invincibility (June 20, 2007) “She’s not gonna make it,” my 7-year-old son Evan announces recently... -------------------------------------------------------- From City Scoops Trans Fat Follies (February, 2007) For those of you who don't get out much, trans fat is not an airline for obese people... Accessories Almighty (April, 2007) It used to be that talking to yourself in public was considered weird. Or, in certain parts of New York City, "Thursday."... -------------------------------------------------------- From The Jewish Advocate, January 25, 2008 "Saving for Invincibility" -------------------------------------------------------- My parenting essays have also appeared in: The Irreverent Homemaker (1) The Irreverent Homemaker (2) The Irreverent Homemaker (3) Curious Parents (1) Curious Parents (2) Curious Parents (3) The Parent Paper Central Penn Parent About Families PA Windsor Parent Magazine Piedmont Parent Staten Island Parent The Village Family Magazine Sacramento Parent Magazine (1) Sacramento Parent Magazine (2) Sacramento Parent Magazine (3) Toledo Area Parent News Family-Life Magazine (Sonoma, CA) Atlanta Parent Magazine Austin Family Magazine New Jersey Family Arizona Parenting Magazine Kids Vermont Baton Rouge Parents Magazine ParentWise Austin MetroFamily Magazine Ohio Valley Parent City Parent (Ontario) Baltimore's Child Mahoning Valley Parent Magazine (Ohio) Nashville Parent Parents' Source -------------------------------------------------------- From LISTEN Magazine, January 2008 "Putting the WOW in Your Speech" -------------------------------------------------------- From HEARING HEALTH Magazine, Fall 2007 "Getting an Earful" -------------------------------------------------------- From The News-Record of Maplewood and South Orange Homework Bound Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest Last week, my 6 year-old son’s Thanksgiving-themed homework assignment was to tell a personal story... Don't Bank On It Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest Few American institutions have changed as little over time as the local bank... When Cultures Collide When I was 13, I had a bar-mitzvah in the diversity-friendly state of Texas... Best of 2005 One of the biggest American traditions during the holiday season has nothing to do with holidays... Something to MOL Over Members of a secret society lives among us... A Commuting Community For those of us who work outside the home, there’s a period of dead time that occurs between leaving the house and arriving at the office... No Name-Calling! I’ve been called a lot of names. We all have... Say It, Don't Spray It! When I first moved to the New Jersey suburbs eight years ago, one thing seemed shockingly out of place... It's Valen-Time Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest For my sister-in-law Jessica, February 14 is not only Valentine’s Day, but also her birthday... Baby Name Games When I was my son’s age, my friends had wild and crazy names... Winter Olympic Spirit For many nights this week, my wife, son, and I have been communing around the warm glow of the television... My Oscar-Worthy Experience Honorable Mention, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest Fifteen years ago, I was an unemployed 22 year-old living in a friend’s studio apartment... Giving Notice at Work Last week, I did something at work many of us have done, some never do, but everyone feels anxious about doing... A Candidate for Bored of Education After much personal deliberation and no consultation whatsoever with my wife and family, I’m unofficially throwing my dunce cap in the ring... Trash Talk In last week’s column I recalled a phrase my Dad used to tell me: “Garbage men get more respect than teachers.”... The Age of Obsolescence Honorable Mention, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest You know it’s time to update your home technology when your six-year-old complains... Word-of-Mouth Anyone in marketing will tell you the most effective way to motivate someone to buy something... Garbage Sales It’s no coincidence that bulk pickup season is also a popular time for garage sales.... Where There's No Smoke... What would the 1942 classic film “Casablanca”, perhaps the smokiest movie in cinema history, be without the cigarette?... Lawn Order With winter over and colorful things starting to bloom, my wife and I took the next natural step... Mom's Day Many think Mother's Day is a "Hallmark Holiday," made up by card company marketing executives... Forever in Blue Jeans I’ve been wearing blue jeans since I was a little boy... Library Says "I.M. Here!" An old joke goes, “What’s the only thing a teacher has to know.” Answer: “More than her class.”... DADitude Adjustment A few years ago, my family and I were picnicking in our local dog park and overheard an argument between two men... When the Mice Are Away... Semi-Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest This week, my wife and three kids made the six-hour trek to her parents’ house in Martha’s Vineyard... Big Brother's Big Ear Recent revelations about NSA wiretapping habits has many Americans wondering... In the Cards Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest June and July are big celebration months for me... Tough Cell Most of us have love affairs with our cell phones... My Graduation Speech Below is the commencement speech I would have given to a 2006 high school graduating class... Diner's Club Every Saturday morning while their mother is at work, my children and I pile into the minivan to hit our favorite local diner It Takes More Than Tolerance I guess we’re supposed to nod our heads sympathetically with the shared understanding that dancing lessons turn our sons into sissies... Mel Gibson's Inner Cattle What Gibson said was more than stupid. It was wrong... Pimp My Bag Semi-Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest It's probably safe to say women are more obsessed with their personal bags than men are An Obit in Orbit Planet Pluto, we hardly knew ye. Say Hello, "Gracie"! Close your blinds, turn out the porch light, and hide the children…Hollywood is coming to Maplewood! Animal Instincts I hold a raffle ticket in my pocket. It’s #1582, and if it’s called during the Jersey Animal Coalition Dog Walk-a-thon/Fair, I win a percentage of the raffle pot. Or a beef-flavored chew toy, I forget which. Cassette For Life I was reorganizing one of our shelves the other day when I came upon a stash of cassette tapes... Potty Train Honorable Mention, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest ...you’ve probably noticed the foul odor hitting you like a slimy smack in the nose at the far end of the tracks... Voter Tune-Out Once again, New Jersey is a state with a tight national political race of which to be proud... Station Stops I knew something was wrong when I saw a larger-than-usual mass of people headed for the 6:16 train from Penn Station Election Reflection On November 7, many of us will converge on our local elementary schools and community centers to vote... Waiting Out the Teenstorm This past Halloween, I was really disappointed to see so many post-pubescent kids going door to door not wearing any costume whatsoever (unless they were dressed as morally-challenged teenagers)... Beauty on the Beast Semi-Finalist,HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest I’ve always been the kind of person who believed that shampoo and conditioner could coexist in the same bottle... Thanksgiving Madness It’s very unfortunate that, in this joyous week of Thanksgiving, we all seem to be so hopping mad. Redefining Kid-Friendly It doesn’t take much for an entrepreneur to suddenly declare his or her store “kid friendly.” Just put out a bowlful of lollipops... New Year's "Presolutions" I haven't been so good to my own body lately. A Call to Farms Every week, someone from Suncrest Farms in Totowa comes to my house and fills a little metal box on my back porch with farm-fresh products. Curbing Recycling Segregation has been dealt another blow in our contemporary culture. Not amongst people this time, but in the world of recycling. Fencers Reveal Secrets Where I grew up in Texas, fencing was what you did to keep your neighbor's cows from messing with your chickens... End of the World When I found my "Guide to Preparing for Pandemic Flu" tucked in the mail between credit card offers a few weeks ago... Salt of the Earth For the next two hours, I kept noting a strong but familiar smell in the house... -------------------------------------------------------- From NOW on PBS Online "A Lighter Look" Rolitics and Peligion I know a thing or two about the collision of state and religion... On the Corner of Business Blvd. and Health Ave. First it was car salesmen. Then lawyers. Now health care executives have moved into the top spot among the least trusted and most reviled scoundrels of America -------------------------------------------------------- From DEMOCKERACY (a satire-writing competiton) "Citizen Came" First-Prize Winner Finalist, April/May 07 HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest Responding to charges it was out of touch with real life... "Rethink the 2008 Voting Process" Honorable Mention Finalist, February/March 07 HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest Election officials have unveiled a new proposal for ensuring fair U.S. voting protocols in 2008... "The Next Diet Craze" Honorable Mention The newest, most effective diet craze isn't NutriSystem's "food-like substance"-in-a-box... "Saddam's First Day in the Afterlife" Honorable Mention Saddam Hussein wakes up in a plain chair, one chair leg shorter than the other three -------------------------------------------------------- And if all this isn't exciting enough for you, check out some pictures of celebrities as kids, so you don't click home empty-handed. |
| Welcome to Jest To Kill, Joel Schwartzberg's writing portfolio |
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| My Blog:: NjVoices.com This is the blog home for New Jersey's The Star Ledger. Award-Winning Blog Posts: 'Price is Right' Audition Notes 4th Place, June/July 07 HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest |