Writing Awards and Distinctions
2010
Official Judge, 2010 Erma Bombeck International Writing
Competition
2009
Second Place, National Society of Newspaper Columnists' 2009
Column-Writing Competition
Honorable Mention, National Society of Newspaper Columnists'
2009 Blog Competition
Offspring Of The Marvel/Disney Marriage
First Place Winner, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
While they’re busy figuring out how to tell The Hulk he now reports to Mickey
Mouse, I’m suggesting some new movies that leverage the best of both brands...
What Will Kid Movies Be Based On Next?
Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
What's left to be scraped at the bottom of the kids media barrel?
Book Ideas Scrapped in 2009
Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
While reports of the Spears book's postponement got plenty of media coverage, other
scrapped book ideas went unnoticed...
What's in a Nonsense Name?
Honorable Mention, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
The trend in giving your company a nonsense name reached a new high when Sci Fi
channel announced it was changing its name to "Syfy."...
2008
Finalist,"Best Commentary," Online News Association Awards
Second Place, National Society of Newspaper Columnists' 2008
Column-Writing Competition
New U.S. Citizenship Test: The Version You Didn't See
1st Place Winner, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
This month, a new U.S. Citizenship test goes into effect. Given the general level of
civic education in the U.S., it's surprising the project hasn't been outsourced to India...
Fee-quent Flying
2nd Place Winner, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
In June, American Airlines began charging passengers $15 for the first checked bag on
domestic flights.
The Secret Truth Behind Diners
Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
Just like everyone in the Northeast has a favorite road rage swear word, so too does
every man, woman, and child in the urban Northeast have a favorite diner...
How to Quit Your Job
Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
I've resigned from eight jobs over the past 18 years, and have handled the "giving
notice" moments with everything from heartfelt empathy to sadistic glee.
What Reality Television Can Do For The Olympics
Semi-Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
Reality television show producers, proudly noting they invented the concept of
obscure Americans competing in tight, skimpy outfits for glory and lucrative contracts
way before the Olympics came around to it...
What's Not to Like About Those Post-Debate Focus Groups
Semi-Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
Perhaps the most frustrating staple of post-debate network news coverage is that all-
too-familiar battleground state focus group...
2007
Named Humor Writer of the Month, Erma Bombeck Writing Institute,
University of Dayton
'Price is Right' Audition Notes
4th Place Winner, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
Now that Drew Carey has been named to replace Bob Barker on "The Price is Right,"
producers have recently released their audition remarks...
Citizen Came
Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
Responding to charges it was out of touch with real life...
Voter Tune-Out
Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
Election officials have unveiled a new proposal for ensuring fair U.S. voting protocols
in 2008...
2006
Thanks and Misgivings
2nd Place Winner, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
I'm looking at a photo of my self topless...
First Day Jitters for the Kid in Dad
Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
The night before the first day of school was always the longest night of my life
Homework Bound
Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
Last week, my 6 year-old son's Thanksgiving-themed homework assignment was to
tell a personal story...
Don't Bank On It
Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
Few American institutions have changed as little over time as the local bank...
It's Valen-Time
Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
For my sister-in-law Jessica, February 14 is not only Valentine's Day, but also her
birthday...
My Oscar-Worthy Experience
Honorable Mention, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
Fifteen years ago, I was an unemployed 22 year-old living in a friend's studio
apartment...
The Age of Obsolescence
Honorable Mention, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
You know it's time to update your home technology when your six-year-old
complains...
When the Mice Are Away...
Semi-Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
This week, my family made the six-hour trek to my ex wife's parents' house in
Martha's Vineyard...
In the Cards
Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
June and July are big celebration months for me...
Pimp My Bag
Semi-Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
It's probably safe to say women are more obsessed with their personal bags than men
are...
Potty Train
Honorable Mention, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
...you've probably noticed the foul odor hitting you like a slimy smack in the nose at
the far end of the tracks...
Beauty on the Beast
Semi-Finalist,HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
I've always been the kind of person who believed that shampoo and conditioner could
coexist in the same bottle...
2010
Official Judge, 2010 Erma Bombeck International Writing
Competition
2009
Second Place, National Society of Newspaper Columnists' 2009
Column-Writing Competition
Honorable Mention, National Society of Newspaper Columnists'
2009 Blog Competition
Offspring Of The Marvel/Disney Marriage
First Place Winner, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
While they’re busy figuring out how to tell The Hulk he now reports to Mickey
Mouse, I’m suggesting some new movies that leverage the best of both brands...
What Will Kid Movies Be Based On Next?
Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
What's left to be scraped at the bottom of the kids media barrel?
Book Ideas Scrapped in 2009
Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
While reports of the Spears book's postponement got plenty of media coverage, other
scrapped book ideas went unnoticed...
What's in a Nonsense Name?
Honorable Mention, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
The trend in giving your company a nonsense name reached a new high when Sci Fi
channel announced it was changing its name to "Syfy."...
2008
Finalist,"Best Commentary," Online News Association Awards
Second Place, National Society of Newspaper Columnists' 2008
Column-Writing Competition
New U.S. Citizenship Test: The Version You Didn't See
1st Place Winner, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
This month, a new U.S. Citizenship test goes into effect. Given the general level of
civic education in the U.S., it's surprising the project hasn't been outsourced to India...
Fee-quent Flying
2nd Place Winner, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
In June, American Airlines began charging passengers $15 for the first checked bag on
domestic flights.
The Secret Truth Behind Diners
Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
Just like everyone in the Northeast has a favorite road rage swear word, so too does
every man, woman, and child in the urban Northeast have a favorite diner...
How to Quit Your Job
Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
I've resigned from eight jobs over the past 18 years, and have handled the "giving
notice" moments with everything from heartfelt empathy to sadistic glee.
What Reality Television Can Do For The Olympics
Semi-Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
Reality television show producers, proudly noting they invented the concept of
obscure Americans competing in tight, skimpy outfits for glory and lucrative contracts
way before the Olympics came around to it...
What's Not to Like About Those Post-Debate Focus Groups
Semi-Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
Perhaps the most frustrating staple of post-debate network news coverage is that all-
too-familiar battleground state focus group...
2007
Named Humor Writer of the Month, Erma Bombeck Writing Institute,
University of Dayton
'Price is Right' Audition Notes
4th Place Winner, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
Now that Drew Carey has been named to replace Bob Barker on "The Price is Right,"
producers have recently released their audition remarks...
Citizen Came
Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
Responding to charges it was out of touch with real life...
Voter Tune-Out
Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
Election officials have unveiled a new proposal for ensuring fair U.S. voting protocols
in 2008...
2006
Thanks and Misgivings
2nd Place Winner, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
I'm looking at a photo of my self topless...
First Day Jitters for the Kid in Dad
Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
The night before the first day of school was always the longest night of my life
Homework Bound
Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
Last week, my 6 year-old son's Thanksgiving-themed homework assignment was to
tell a personal story...
Don't Bank On It
Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
Few American institutions have changed as little over time as the local bank...
It's Valen-Time
Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
For my sister-in-law Jessica, February 14 is not only Valentine's Day, but also her
birthday...
My Oscar-Worthy Experience
Honorable Mention, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
Fifteen years ago, I was an unemployed 22 year-old living in a friend's studio
apartment...
The Age of Obsolescence
Honorable Mention, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
You know it's time to update your home technology when your six-year-old
complains...
When the Mice Are Away...
Semi-Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
This week, my family made the six-hour trek to my ex wife's parents' house in
Martha's Vineyard...
In the Cards
Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
June and July are big celebration months for me...
Pimp My Bag
Semi-Finalist, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
It's probably safe to say women are more obsessed with their personal bags than men
are...
Potty Train
Honorable Mention, HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
...you've probably noticed the foul odor hitting you like a slimy smack in the nose at
the far end of the tracks...
Beauty on the Beast
Semi-Finalist,HumorPress.com Humor Writing Contest
I've always been the kind of person who believed that shampoo and conditioner could
coexist in the same bottle...
Major Publishings
Newsweek
Slouching Toward Fatherhood (April 6, 2009)
I thought being a dad would come easily to me. But soon after my son's birth, I was
looking for a way out.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The New York Times Magazine
The 36 Year-Old Version (August 12, 2007)
To my naive 37-year-old eyes, my parents' condominium was just a place to sleep
while my wife and I, separated after 10 years of marriage, "figured things out."
--------------------------------------------------------
The New York Post
It's Quitting Time (June 2, 2008)
I've resigned from eight jobs over the past 18 years, and have handled the "giving
notice" moments with everything from heartfelt empathy to sadistic glee...
--------------------------------------------------------
The New York Daily News
Got a Second? (December 12, 2008)
The last leap second was recorded at the end of 2005. You spent it lingering in bed
on a cold Thursday morning, remember?
An Open Letter to Rob Zombie (September 6, 2007)
...But you can help make the real world a less brutal place than the world you
depict on film...
--------------------------------------------------------
New Jersey Monthly
The Mother of All Holidays (May, 2006)
When my brother Paul and I were in middle school, we ordered a "personally
engraved tribute plaque" for our mom a few weeks before Mother's Day...
--------------------------------------------------------
The Star-Ledger
A 'Boo' for Halloween Brutality (October 31, 2006)
A walk down the Halloween aisle at CVS or Walgreens proves the point: Gore again
wins the popular vote...
Thanks and Misgivings (November 23, 2006)
I'm looking at a photo of my self topless...
Holiday on Nice (December 20, 2006)
Somewhere in Africa, there's a goat with an unsuspecting Kenyan family's name on
it...
Memorial Daze (May 25, 2007)
Like many communities, Maplewood has scheduled two big events for Memorial
Day...
First Day Jitters for the Kid in Dad (September 4, 1007)
The night before the first day of school was always the longest night of my life...
Valentine's Day Disconnect (February 14, 2008)
Valentine's Day is probably the one holiday least connected to its historical and
cultural roots...
--------------------------------------------------------
Chicken Soup for the Soul: Divorce and Recovery
Published in 2008
"The Gift"
--------------------------------------------------------
The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines
of Modern Manhood
Published in 2009
"Birth of a Father"
--------------------------------------------------------
Babble, the parenting spin-off of Nerve.com
Father's Day (August 16, 2007)
"Daddy, lock your doo-wer." one of my daughters says as we pull out of my ex-
wife's driveway...
--------------------------------------------------------
Wowowow.com (Women on the Web)
A Father's Days (June 16, 2009)
Father’s Day – at least as Hallmark and Wikipedia define it – doesn’t mean all that
much to me, even though being a dad is one of the most important jobs I have...
--------------------------------------------------------
CommonTies
Invincibility (June 20, 2007)
"She's not gonna make it," my 7-year-old son Evan announces recently...
--------------------------------------------------------
New Jersey Jewish News
The Gift of Giving…or Getting your Goat (December 18, 2008)
Somewhere in Africa, there’s a goat with an unsuspecting Kenyan family’s name on
it.
--------------------------------------------------------
Mediabistro.com
Pubic Speaking Secrets for Job Seekers (March 19, 2008)
Be Your Own Best Book Publicist (July 20, 2009)
Newsweek
Slouching Toward Fatherhood (April 6, 2009)
I thought being a dad would come easily to me. But soon after my son's birth, I was
looking for a way out.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The New York Times Magazine
The 36 Year-Old Version (August 12, 2007)
To my naive 37-year-old eyes, my parents' condominium was just a place to sleep
while my wife and I, separated after 10 years of marriage, "figured things out."
--------------------------------------------------------
The New York Post
It's Quitting Time (June 2, 2008)
I've resigned from eight jobs over the past 18 years, and have handled the "giving
notice" moments with everything from heartfelt empathy to sadistic glee...
--------------------------------------------------------
The New York Daily News
Got a Second? (December 12, 2008)
The last leap second was recorded at the end of 2005. You spent it lingering in bed
on a cold Thursday morning, remember?
An Open Letter to Rob Zombie (September 6, 2007)
...But you can help make the real world a less brutal place than the world you
depict on film...
--------------------------------------------------------
New Jersey Monthly
The Mother of All Holidays (May, 2006)
When my brother Paul and I were in middle school, we ordered a "personally
engraved tribute plaque" for our mom a few weeks before Mother's Day...
--------------------------------------------------------
The Star-Ledger
A 'Boo' for Halloween Brutality (October 31, 2006)
A walk down the Halloween aisle at CVS or Walgreens proves the point: Gore again
wins the popular vote...
Thanks and Misgivings (November 23, 2006)
I'm looking at a photo of my self topless...
Holiday on Nice (December 20, 2006)
Somewhere in Africa, there's a goat with an unsuspecting Kenyan family's name on
it...
Memorial Daze (May 25, 2007)
Like many communities, Maplewood has scheduled two big events for Memorial
Day...
First Day Jitters for the Kid in Dad (September 4, 1007)
The night before the first day of school was always the longest night of my life...
Valentine's Day Disconnect (February 14, 2008)
Valentine's Day is probably the one holiday least connected to its historical and
cultural roots...
--------------------------------------------------------
Chicken Soup for the Soul: Divorce and Recovery
Published in 2008
"The Gift"
--------------------------------------------------------
The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines
of Modern Manhood
Published in 2009
"Birth of a Father"
--------------------------------------------------------
Babble, the parenting spin-off of Nerve.com
Father's Day (August 16, 2007)
"Daddy, lock your doo-wer." one of my daughters says as we pull out of my ex-
wife's driveway...
--------------------------------------------------------
Wowowow.com (Women on the Web)
A Father's Days (June 16, 2009)
Father’s Day – at least as Hallmark and Wikipedia define it – doesn’t mean all that
much to me, even though being a dad is one of the most important jobs I have...
--------------------------------------------------------
CommonTies
Invincibility (June 20, 2007)
"She's not gonna make it," my 7-year-old son Evan announces recently...
--------------------------------------------------------
New Jersey Jewish News
The Gift of Giving…or Getting your Goat (December 18, 2008)
Somewhere in Africa, there’s a goat with an unsuspecting Kenyan family’s name on
it.
--------------------------------------------------------
Mediabistro.com
Pubic Speaking Secrets for Job Seekers (March 19, 2008)
Be Your Own Best Book Publicist (July 20, 2009)
About Families (PA)
Arizona Parenting Magazine (AZ)
Atlanta Parent Magazine (GA)
Austin Family Magazine (TX)
Baltimore's Child (MD)
Baton Rouge Parents Magazine (LA)
Central Penn Parent (PA)
City Parent (Ontario)
Curious Parents (NJ/PA)
Family-Life Magazine (CA)
Irving Parent (TX)
Kansas City Parent (KS)
Kids Vermont (VT)
Mahoning Valley Parent Magazine (OH)
MetroFamily Magazine (OK)
Nashville Parent (TN)
New Jersey Family (NJ)
New Jersey Newsroom (NJ)
Arizona Parenting Magazine (AZ)
Atlanta Parent Magazine (GA)
Austin Family Magazine (TX)
Baltimore's Child (MD)
Baton Rouge Parents Magazine (LA)
Central Penn Parent (PA)
City Parent (Ontario)
Curious Parents (NJ/PA)
Family-Life Magazine (CA)
Irving Parent (TX)
Kansas City Parent (KS)
Kids Vermont (VT)
Mahoning Valley Parent Magazine (OH)
MetroFamily Magazine (OK)
Nashville Parent (TN)
New Jersey Family (NJ)
New Jersey Newsroom (NJ)
North State Parent (CA)
Ohio Valley Parent (OH)
Parent Magazine (OH)
Parenting Plus (FL)
Parents' Source (PA)
ParentWise Austin (TX)
Portland Family Magazine (OR)
Piedmont Parent (NC)
Sacramento Parent Magazine (CA)
Staten Island Parent (NY)
Toledo Area Parent News (OH)
The Art of Manliness
The Irreverent Homemaker
The Jewish Advocate (MA)
The Parent Paper (NJ)
The Village Family Magazine (ND)
Windsor Parent Magazine (Ontario)
Ohio Valley Parent (OH)
Parent Magazine (OH)
Parenting Plus (FL)
Parents' Source (PA)
ParentWise Austin (TX)
Portland Family Magazine (OR)
Piedmont Parent (NC)
Sacramento Parent Magazine (CA)
Staten Island Parent (NY)
Toledo Area Parent News (OH)
The Art of Manliness
The Irreverent Homemaker
The Jewish Advocate (MA)
The Parent Paper (NJ)
The Village Family Magazine (ND)
Windsor Parent Magazine (Ontario)
| My parenting essays have also been syndicated in regional magazines and newspapers in the U.S. and Canada: |
| The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad (Wyatt-MacKenzie, 2009) "Funny and Touching" -- The Star Ledger "A Great Gift to Any Father" -- About.com Get Info & Reviews / Buy the Book |
My Blogs
| Joel Schwartzberg is an award-winning essayist, screenwriter, and author... Mediabistro instructor... The Huffington Post and iVillage blogger... and PBS new media executive. When not busy, Joel will eat and occasionally sleep. Check out some of Joel's work and rudimentary html skills below |
My Book
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