The hype begins when TIME Magazine reveals the "Person of the Year." After Bono and Bill & Melinda Gates were announced, Jessica Simpson was overheard as saying, “You mean I lost 60 pounds, kissed Willie Nelson and got divorced all for nothing?” Though some say the title has little value, the glory is hardly fleeting: The three are currently negotiating whose name comes first on their 2006 Trivial Pursuit card.
Following this proclamation comes a string of superlatives: best song, hottest hookup, news story of the year, pooch of the year, pothole of the year, lamest garbage pail basketball toss, most regrettable lunch choice, most poorly spell-checked email…it goes on and on. We can’t seem to get enough.
Even Sadaam Hussein joined the end-of-year superlative frenzy on December 22 when he declared the White House the “#1 Liar in the World”. Strangely, he didn’t say “Mother of All Liars” but I guess he doesn’t like to recycle old material. But it’s not all bad news for us rank-wise. While the U.S. may be a third-world country in terms of health care, education, and environmental protection, we are #1 in coffee consumption. And that’s a latte to be proud of* (*Editor’s note: Winner, Worst Coffee-Related Pun of 2005)
Several film critic organizations use this time to share their lists of great films you missed while seeing “Wedding Crashers”. From what I hear, most of the buzz centers around some flick about two gay 40-year-old virgin cowboys who bring a communist-hating gorilla to the 1972 Olympics. I think George Clooney plays the gorilla.
TIME isn’t the only news outlet to cover the year in review in lieu of actual news. The Associated Press recently gave its “Top News Story of 2005” Oscar-equivalent award to Hurricane Katrina. Apparently even devastating natural disasters can still come out winners. In her acceptance speech, Katrina thanked warm ocean waters, fickle air pressure, and Brownie for "doing a heckuva job.". In distant second place was the Papal Transition, followed by perennial favorite Iraq War, and newcomer Supreme Court.
Being the cultural anthropologist I’m not, I have to ask why. Why the insatiable hunger to find the best, the most, the biggest? Is the drum rollers’ union really that strong?
One reason is that Americans are proudly opinionated. And “best of” lists are extremely water cooler-friendly. The media knows this and I think uses such proclamations to stir us up. Face it, When Kelly Clarkson is nominated for two Grammy Awards, you know someone’s pushing our buttons. But the positive side is that debate inspires thoughts, thoughts inspire expression, expression inspires blogs, and blogs…well, blogs serve no useful purpose whatsoever.
Americans also like to rank things. It’s our way of boiling down otherwise valuable and useable information into tight, digestible nuggets. Consider all the institutions that rely heavily on rankings to convey important information, including Consumer Reports, Wimbledon, The New York Times Book Review, and VH-1. It’s part of our national culture. Whereas the BBC might run a two-hour expose on domestic security, we in America prefer to tune into the “Top 10 Grisliest Cop Chases.”
How do you know when something is truly “The Best”? It takes more than careful research and a good dartboard. It takes major spin. That’s how TIME convinces you they and only they know the Person of the Year, how People Magazine gets to decide the sexiest man in America, and how U.S. News and World Report has the last word in ranking great colleges.
Some “best of” franchises are still untapped. In January, the world famous comedy club Laugh Factory is sponsoring a contest to find “the funniest reporter on the planet”, an idea cooked up by its PR firm. Bill O’Reilly would the hands-down winner, but I’m pretty sure they mean funny ha-ha.
Here’s to a top-ten January and a superlative new year!
See how this article appeared in the News-Record of Maplewood and South Orange
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