After much personal deliberation and no consultation whatsoever with my wife and family, I’m unofficially throwing my dunce cap in the ring for my town's Board of Education election. It’s unofficial because, between us chickens, I don’t have the time to attend an elementary school bake sale, much less a meeting that runs longer than the Academy Awards every first and third Monday. Also, Monday is “Supernanny” night. Nonetheless, I think this community could use a fresh perspective, and it’s my life’s goal to be seen on public access television.
I know there are many people already vying for spots on the Board. What they all have against Supernanny I don’t know. But I’m going to take the unusual step of endorsing myself, because my neighbors either don’t know I’m unofficially running, or don’t care for me very much.
First, I’ve known myself for a very long time, and I am an outstanding contributor to community concerns. The late fees I pay to the local video store each month alone could feed a small dog for a month or more. Second, living directly behind one of our elementary schools, I have always shoveled and iced the walkway to school and have never carried through on the threats I’ve made to parents who regularly block my driveway with their SUVs
As far as qualifications go, I have spent twelve years in the public school system. That’s right, twelve years. And I only got detention twice. My parents, it should be noted, have spent over a quarter-century as public school educators, so I understand the thrill and fulfillment that comes with a career as a classroom teacher. As my father likes to say, “a garbage man gets more respect.”
What is my vision for the future? Well, I have some specifics ideas. On the subject of school safety, I think we should change the school dress code to encourage T-shirts that say, “Yes, I’m loitering with the intent of intimidation or creating an imminent threat of criminal activity.” If designed in an attractive style that appeals to kids -- and by that I mean if it exposes your belly, looks like it’s been washed a zillion times and has a few rips -- I see it as a win-win.
I also strongly support applying resources toward world languages, technology, nutrition, and interesting electives. Specifically, I’d expand the “3rd Grade Year Abroad” program, provide video iPods for every kindergarten student, and fund a special cheerleading squad exclusively for fencers. If there’s money left over, we can repair roofs and whatnot.
Speaking of “Bored of Education,” I suggest several measures to make BOE meetings livelier. For starters, people addressing the Board now get three minutes of speaking time. I think they should be allowed to go for five minutes, so long as half that time is spent communicating through charades. I also think the Board should hire a mariachi band to play louder and louder as the time runs down, Oscar-style. Not only will this put pressure on the speaker, but who doesn’t like mariachi music?
Seriously, our democracy challenges us to learn, even when we’ve already made up our and our children’s minds. So, read and educate yourselves by attending meetings, going online, and asking questions. If you don’t, you could end up with someone like me, and you really don’t want to put your school’s education budget in the hands of someone who buys his dress clothes at Costco. I swear those slacks looked cool on the table.
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